Of Laptops and Liberty Bells

My hands trembled. My heart picked up its pace to a fast trot. Sweat broke out on my forehead. How could I have been so stupid? Why hadn't this occurred to me before? I was going to be...

Four days without email.

I've done it before, of course. A day here. A day there. And visits at the holidays with my dad, for instance, have allowed me a quick connection with all that is online once a day using his system. But an upcoming trip to Philly for a four-day weekend, to meet some blogging friends, would leave me wholly unconnected...

Adrift.

Lost.

And totally dissing you guys!

I got a little nauseous and my head went swimmy just thinking about it. So in an impulsive move toward technological spending entirely rare for me (remember, I'm one of the few people left in the country without a cell phone), I broke down and bought a laptop.

And wow, are laptops smaller than they were when I had one in college! At that time, they weighed about 40 pounds and whose lap they were designed to fit-- that big guy from The Green Mile? the fat lady from an old timey carnival side show? the entire World Wrestling Federation cast?-- it's hard to say. I just recall hefting this giant bag down long airport corridors as it carved a channel into my shoulder so deep, it would have been worthy of tacking on to the Grand Canyon and inviting tourists.

We'd have made our money mainly through the postcard and t-shirt sales.

Anyway, I'm looking forward this weekend to meeting blogging friends Claire and JD in Philadelphia. As Claire is visiting from the UK, it will be JD's and my job to be ambassadors for our country and ensure she sees all the important historical landmarks in Philadelphia, which tell the fascinating story of the American colonies' quest for independence from....

er....

okay...

Well, maybe we can give the landmarks a miss. Philly cheesesteaks and bowling for everyone!

Anyway, due to Blogger's nifty ability to pre-schedule posts, Of Cabbages and Kings will continue to post Friday and Monday all by its little ol' self. And me, I will be popping in and out-- courtesy of my not-40-pound laptop-- to catch up with everybody as much as battery power and internet access allows.

If you don't hear from me next week, I overshot Philly and am currently churning butter in Lancaster at the home of a nice Amish family who took me in. Shoo-fly pie, anyone?

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Little Timmy's Son Contract Runs Out

"If you don't start behaving, I'm doing to trade you in for a new model!"

Most kids have probably heard something to that effect from their parents. Usually right after they've shaved the cat...

Superglued someone's butt cheeks to the toilet seat...

Or have taken apart the coffeemaker just to see what's inside.

But now Childtrader.com-- an adoption group with a twist-- has made swapping your troublesome progeny for a bright, shiny new one a viable option. How does it work?

Well, say Mr. Jones has five girls and has always wanted a boy. And Mr. Smith down the road has a boy who's been acting up... Or who doesn't quite fit in the family dynamic... Or maybe resembles the mailman a bit too much...

Well, Mr. Jones adopts one of Mr. Smith's boys. Mr. Smith adopts one of Mr. Jones' girls. And voila! Everybody's happy, right?

Er....

Well...

So that got me pondering. How on earth do you break the news to your kid, that he is going to be traded to another family? Well, after giving it some careful consideration, I thought it might just go something like this...

Dad: "Ah, Timmy. Glad you could make it today, thanks for coming. (shakes hands)

"Um, you're probably wondering why I called you into my office. Have a seat.

"Here at The Robinsons(TM), we've set some ambitious goals for ourselves for the year. But I really believe, with proper strategic implementation, we can achieve them.

"Our 2009 plan looks forward to higher overall grade point averages... reduced spending in the entertainment and junk food consumption sectors... fewer emergency room health care costs.... and, lastly, and I think most importantly... winning the three-legged-race at the family reunion, and finally beating out that smug-faced Uncle Mark of yours and his family.

"Yes, all of these things I feel strongly are within our reach. But see, we've taken a look at it from every angle, and it's.... it's, well, it's going to require some restructuring.

"Now your immediate supervisor-- I believe you know her as "Mom"-- and I have both discussed with you in the past the behavior patterns we've witnessed and feel are counterproductive to the bottom-line efficiency and overall morale of The Robinsons (TM).

"Like when you traded your mother's car for some Pokemon cards...

"And the time you built that Hefty bag parachute and had your brother test-fly it...

"And then there was that forehead tattoo incident...

"As you know, we're still recovering from that one-- It may be years before Rover comes out from under the basement stairs. Hopefully, the fur will grow back eventually. But the memories, well, the memories are likely to linger on.

"I only bring these things up again now, Timmy, because it is as we move forward into 2009, your mother and I can now see clearly your performance in this family has been holding us back from achieving our goals.

"So I have to be candid with you-- we're going to be bringing in a new gal from over in Shadyside. Yeah, her name's Becky, she's been with The Browns (TM) for the last 10 years. And I hear she's a real up-and-comer. And, you know, The Browns have been wanting a boy.... Also, (heh-heh) well, they don't have a dog so that's a win-win right there. Yes, son, I think of this as an opportunity to really strengthen our mutual marketshare.

"Anyway, what I'm saying is, your mother and I regret to inform you that we won't be renewing your contract as our son for 2009. We really appreciate the 12 years you've put into The Robinsons (TM). But with careful consideration, we feel it's just not working out and that this is the best solution for all of us.

"So, we're giving you two weeks notice-- and obviously allowance through that remaining time here. At the end of the month, you start with The Browns (TM). And I think you'll find it will be a really good fit for you.

"I hope we'll see you again sometimes at... well... school pageants... or something.

"Thanks so much for everything!"

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